Shamanic Journeying

OMG when did I abandon myself? When the fuck did I abandon myself? This is a whole new level of abandonment. I have not been this girl in years YEARS. And all of a sudden I’m back. I feel so much better. So much more comfortable in my skin. For years I think I was trying to be what people expected me to be, or what I thought I needed to be to be loved. I see you and I love you anyway. That is how I feel about humanity. Because I played these games of facades with myself for so long, now I see others’ facades, but then you see where it is motivated from and its always a place of a scared child and you can have compassion.

I started shamanic journeying this week, I’ve done it twice so far, and this last time is the time that shifted me back into my persona which is my most authentic persona. This persona of the “girl next door” is me. It was a combo of things, seeing my friend and mentor, right before going on a date, who told me I was really intimidating and to downplay my “assets” and play the girl next door for this date. So I did and wow I just literally have never felt so amazing. Between that and the journey to the underworld where I met with one of my power animals, the tiger, who realigned me. She said I needed to be self-sufficient in order to get to the next stage in my life. Also put me in this terry cloth two piece white jungle outfit and was like- there you go now accept yourself. And I just did. And all of a sudden I’m a different person.

Because when I used to ask my guides, what do I need to do in order to get to the next level in my life, they would always say “love yourself”. And I was always like, I AM. I AM LOVING MYSELF. But I wasn’t. I was loving myself from an ego perspective, but when I examined my inner being; what is the ME inside? And I wrote out all those traits of how I viewed my inner being, they were all negative. So this was enlightening, this is what my guides were talking about, so I knew I needed to change this, I needed soul surgery. I believe that is what happened in my last shamanic journey.

January Moon Magic

Why was today the most dramatic day? It truly was awful. Not sure if I was on a tailspin from my boss. Damn I cannot let her effect me. I have to start saying I love my boss I love my boss I love my boss. I think that’s the problem. Because if I say ‘I love my job’, thats not exactly the problem because I do kind of love my job, my actual job is not the issue, it’s my relationship with my boss.

Today was like a strong pulling between what I want, need, and “should” do. Yes the should is in quotes because it is all in my head I believe. I needed something so I was trying to solve it with buying things I want, but I really didn’t come across anything that I wanted to buy that made me feel better. So thats when I knew it was outside of myself. It’s a more emotional need of some sort. So then I tried to solve that with food. But then like I have been eating crappy all week so I kept trying to find healthy versions of crappy things and none of them were satisfying because it wasn’t what I really wanted. I knew that I didn’t even really want to eat junk food because nothing sounded good but I guess thats just like my go to, shopping and eating. Who knew.

So what would an alternative be? I could channel it into writing. Try to express how I feel. I could have gone to the gym. Could have gone for a drive. Bla bla bla coulda woulda. A drive is the most likely of all of those but I was trying to work. And then just got tired and took a muscle relaxer which was the best idea I had all day. Except then I woke up and went to two different Sephora’s and bough a random sheet mask I didn’t even care about. Okay trust the process, Jen! These are the moments. The moments where everything seems really pointless and wasteful, can it still be a quality part of life? Could it still be the path? Am I learning something or is my perception robbing me of enjoying it?

Today was partially set off by my boss (which is where this story started) and then the astrological circumstances. The full moon this Sunday, Jan. 19 is called a Blood Moon or a Wolf Moon. It’s also a lunar eclipse. It’s the last lunar eclipse for a while I believe. I don’t care if it sounds like BS. I’m telling you right now, my body reacts to these events. That is the real reason what happened.

Poverty Consciousness

I remember last year at this time when everything was going wrong and I hit rock ass bottom. I had zero dollars, got pregnant by a douche bag, hated my job, working on commission, couldn’t make a sale because I was desperate and the job was so hard, couldn’t pay my bills, had $30k in debt that was exponentially growing, and I felt like I was drowning. Like I had fallen so far from where I was previously. There was a moment where I was terrified, walking the hallways at my office, wondering how I got here. Cursing every step I had taken up until this point that put me in this position. Berating myself for begin so careless, stupid, naive, you name it. There was nothing in my gut that said I was going the wrong way though. I remember feeling this distinct feeling that I was on the right path.

Then within that same moment, I realized I had to make a choice to ignore my external circumstances. I had to dissociate from my reality. I decided to ignore my bank account and assert that there would be a change. I made up my mind that it wasn’t going to get worse for me. That the money was in my account even though I couldn’t see it at that moment. That sounds so cliche but when you are that broken you start to think crazy shit. And that mentality switch was a turning point for me. Within a month of that I got a huge client and closed a significant deal which then turned into several more large deals throughout the course of the year. Not like it was all flowers and butterflies after that I still had a colossal hole to dig myself out of. But that marked the end of my victim hood for that specific period of my life.

This came to the forefront of my mind because now, today, I am nearly debt free and have a decent savings, I have a new job that is amazing with a high base salary. But now there are other things that are bothering me. I’m not living my best life that is clear as fuck. And last week it came to a head, and similar to last year, I made a decision that my self inflicted suffering was over. That my life was non negotiable. That what I wanted was a priority. That I am good enough to achieve the things I want. That I can achieve what I want to. What I want is attainable to me. I cannot take no for an answer. And everyday since then I’ve noticed, its a notable challenge for me to actually remind myself of this realization. My thought patterns and emotional patterns are trained into a vibration of “it’s not possible” “the likelihood is low” “I can’t”. But now, my brain is also trained to correct the thought automatically. And not just consciously, its subconscious. I know that because I can feel it. Every time my brain autocorrects my thought pattern, I have to consciously push the thought until it pops through to my subconscious mind. The way I pushed it into my subconscious mind is, upon making the decision to shift my mentality, I focused and focused and focused on the reality that “I can do it” until I felt it click actually in my body. Its a physical feeling of it “clicking” into place. I focused, and reasoned, and analyzed, and negotiated, until I had that distinct feeling in my gut that I knew it was possible. Now that I’ve built that metaphysical pathway, now I can achieve it quicker (mind, muscle, memory). And I’ve noticed things beginning to shift. Its like pushing a boulder uphill sis its not easy. But its become so obvious that I was living with a poverty consciousness.