Why was today the most dramatic day? It truly was awful. Not sure if I was on a tailspin from my boss. Damn I cannot let her effect me. I have to start saying I love my boss I love my boss I love my boss. I think that’s the problem. Because if I say ‘I love my job’, thats not exactly the problem because I do kind of love my job, my actual job is not the issue, it’s my relationship with my boss.
Today was like a strong pulling between what I want, need, and “should” do. Yes the should is in quotes because it is all in my head I believe. I needed something so I was trying to solve it with buying things I want, but I really didn’t come across anything that I wanted to buy that made me feel better. So thats when I knew it was outside of myself. It’s a more emotional need of some sort. So then I tried to solve that with food. But then like I have been eating crappy all week so I kept trying to find healthy versions of crappy things and none of them were satisfying because it wasn’t what I really wanted. I knew that I didn’t even really want to eat junk food because nothing sounded good but I guess thats just like my go to, shopping and eating. Who knew.
So what would an alternative be? I could channel it into writing. Try to express how I feel. I could have gone to the gym. Could have gone for a drive. Bla bla bla coulda woulda. A drive is the most likely of all of those but I was trying to work. And then just got tired and took a muscle relaxer which was the best idea I had all day. Except then I woke up and went to two different Sephora’s and bough a random sheet mask I didn’t even care about. Okay trust the process, Jen! These are the moments. The moments where everything seems really pointless and wasteful, can it still be a quality part of life? Could it still be the path? Am I learning something or is my perception robbing me of enjoying it?
Today was partially set off by my boss (which is where this story started) and then the astrological circumstances. The full moon this Sunday, Jan. 19 is called a Blood Moon or a Wolf Moon. It’s also a lunar eclipse. It’s the last lunar eclipse for a while I believe. I don’t care if it sounds like BS. I’m telling you right now, my body reacts to these events. That is the real reason what happened.
Ballerina Diaries 