Deciem, The Abnormal Beauty Company

The founder of Deciem was found dead today. He reportedly committed suicide but I am literally getting that intel from the comment section of Instagram. The New York Times said the Toronto Police would not confirm the death. But a spokesperson said it was a sudden death at an intersection. Super vague. He’s definitely dead. Or he disappeared himself. That is a legit possibility. I have been following the brand for quite a while and Brandon Truaxe was having a mental breakdown publicly and using Deciem’s Instagram as an outlet. He reportedly struggled with mental illness. This past December he announced that he would be shutting down operations because the majority of the employees at the company were involved in some sort of illegal operation. It was very obvious that something was completely wrong with him. Estee Lauder displaced him as CEO, and now people are saying Estee Lauder should be held accountable for not being more sensitive. I see that side, but ultimately its business. Getting rid of him was the absolute best thing for the organization. No one wanted to touch their products when he started going through this shit. I imagine their revenue plummeted. The second he was dismissed, the brand started doing better. It would have been nice if EL saw that he had proper counseling but certainly was no more their responsibility than his own families. You cannot control people.

Brandon Truaxe was brilliant. You can tell that through what he created. The Ordinary is an exquisitely marketed and geniously (is that a word) executed. NIOD is just as extraordinary. I am literally shocked though. I don’t know why I am so shocked. Nicola Kilner, his partner emailed the employees internally notifying them of his death over the weekend. The post on Deceim’s Instagram announcing his death was super confusing to me. I had no idea what they were trying to get across because their tone was not appropriate for the actual event that took place. “Brandon, our founder and friend. You touched our hearts, inspired our minds and made us believe that anything is possible. Thank you for every laugh, every learning and every moment of your genius. Whilst we can’t imagine a world without you, we promise to take care of each other and will work hard to continue your vision. May you finally be at peace. Love, (forever) your DECIEM ❤” It sounds like a love letter that a middle school girl wrote her crush.

Psychological Acne

I have not understood how to quantify my experience with acne. I overcame it in such a weird way I have not really understood it until recently. I tried every single product on the market. There was not a product too far or high for me to acquire. I didn’t care what it cost I just wanted to be able to understand and control my breakouts. They started out of nowhere and they continued for years whilst being connected to nothing in particular. It was almost 100% cystic. I experimented with different dieting techniques, products, health professionals, psychics, lights, chemical peels, you name it- I’ve tried it. Everything seemed to work a little bit, but not entirely.

The way I came to understand that my acne was psychological was when I saw a shaman. The shaman released a great deal of fear that I held onto that was provoking my emotions. Once I overcame that fear, I was never the same. I could never go back to thinking the fear was real, when it wasn’t. That fear was the direct catalyst for my cystic breakouts. I have most certainly had breakouts since then but I can tell you exactly where they came from. Its always either stress, low vibration, sugar, caffeine, cheese; usually a combination. When I say fear, I mean a nonsensical fear. I mean like neurosis. The best way I can put it is, take a step back and look at how you view your acne? If you get a gut wrenching sensation when you feel a cystic breakout coming on, then you are experiencing psychological acne.

January Moon Magic

Why was today the most dramatic day? It truly was awful. Not sure if I was on a tailspin from my boss. Damn I cannot let her effect me. I have to start saying I love my boss I love my boss I love my boss. I think that’s the problem. Because if I say ‘I love my job’, thats not exactly the problem because I do kind of love my job, my actual job is not the issue, it’s my relationship with my boss.

Today was like a strong pulling between what I want, need, and “should” do. Yes the should is in quotes because it is all in my head I believe. I needed something so I was trying to solve it with buying things I want, but I really didn’t come across anything that I wanted to buy that made me feel better. So thats when I knew it was outside of myself. It’s a more emotional need of some sort. So then I tried to solve that with food. But then like I have been eating crappy all week so I kept trying to find healthy versions of crappy things and none of them were satisfying because it wasn’t what I really wanted. I knew that I didn’t even really want to eat junk food because nothing sounded good but I guess thats just like my go to, shopping and eating. Who knew. So what would an alternative be? I could channel it into writing. Try to express how I feel. I could have gone to the gym. Could have gone for a drive. Bla bla bla coulda woulda. A drive is the most likely of all of those but I was trying to work. And then just got tired and took a muscle relaxer which was the best idea I had all day. Except then I woke up and went to two different Sephora’s and bough a random sheet mask I didn’t even care about. Okay trust the process, Jen! These are the moments. The moments where everything seems really pointless and wasteful, can it still be a quality part of life? Could it still be the path? Am I learning something or is my perception robbing me of enjoying it?

Today was partially set off by my boss (which is where this story started) and then the astrological circumstances. The full moon this Sunday, Jan. 19 is called a Blood Moon or a Wolf Moon. It’s also a lunar eclipse. It’s the last lunar eclipse for a while I believe. I don’t care if it sounds like BS. I’m telling you right now, my body reacts to these events. That is the real reason what happened.

Negative Spiral Turned Positive

Whew tonight in yoga was horrible. Horribly amazing in a way. It was one of those classes where I could not fucking catch my balance. No matter how well I was breathing, no matter how much I focused. I kept falling out of every balancing pose. Balancing poses are my strength. Super super super frustrating. I started crying actually during class. It just came to a boiling point for me. Dealing with my work shit, home shit, and then yoga I couldn’t even catch a break. Like fuck man can I please get a break? My living situation is a joke, my job is a joke, and those two things basically consume my life. I’m good at staying distracted and this is probably why I feel the need to drink or smoke weed every single night. My therapist put it this way, she said my current life situation is analogous to going to a gym to get into shape. Except this is moreso a financial gym. I had to move into this tiny ass house with two roommates. I came from a 2 bedroom penthouse apartment. All of my shit is in storage, in the attic, or shoved in some random crevice in my room. When I think of something I need, I don’t know where it is, and I have to go buy it even though I know I already have it. Sometimes I’ll have a rough idea of where the thing is and I’ll go climbing through the attic (so not my scene). My room is so small I can’t even make my bed. Inefficiency and wastefulness are huge fucking triggers for me. So is disorganization and claustrophobia. Basically this living situation hits all of my triggers. I hang out in my room when I’m home because it’s awkward hanging out downstairs, everyone hangs out in their own rooms. It’s just a gloomy situation. My roommates are nice and my house is updated. Location is dreadful. But my rent is pretty cheap and I’ve nearly paid off all of my credit card bills.

So that is my house. My job is equally as dreadful. On the surface I have everything I want and need. But my boss treats me disrespectfully, is manipulative, triangulates me and the other employees against one another, starts drama, tries to make others jealous of one another, tries to start shit, talks shit behind peoples backs, totally unprofessional. We’ll be in a meeting with several departments and shell say something to me like; ‘hey someone internally complained you were not responsive during business hours when you were working remote’. Something that is completely untrue and doesn’t even make sense. In my role I don’t have anyone to be responsive to. Also, define responsive? I don’t respond to dumb emails or questions of people wasting my time. Which doesn’t mean I’m not working. Basically she’ll bring up issues that make no sense and cannot be solved or substantiated in front of people. Like if it was a problem why didn’t you bring it up to me personally? She also tells me to dress down so I don’t intimidate people. Which I would never heed that advice she hired me because I was hot. She’s a fucking psycho and a bully. But at the same time, I do whatever I want, I work remote, make my own hours, its a chill environment, get paid well. On the surface I should be happy but inside I’m dying. She completely killed my interest and enthusiasm after week 2 when she yelled at me for catching on too quickly and being too productive. This was after I was left to the wolves, no training, no team, no boss on site, no NOTHING. No one knew how to recruit so no one had anything to show me. Everyone ignored me. I had to figure the shit out on my own, develop the process, it was fucking terrifying and I was killing it. Killing it. Like killed it. And she told me she doesn’t trust people and I was moving too fast and she ‘can’t believe I’m already screening people’ like BITCH I’m the Recruiter Director. What do you think I’m going to do?

Anyways, so tonight in yoga I was just like BITCH why is this so hard?? I can’t even enjoy yoga right now. Man I jut realized though like God is prepping me for what I will be receiving. Because my life is so awful right now I know for a fact that I’m going to get what I want. Its a dead giveaway sis. I’ll take in the ass for the next 5 years if you just guarantee me that you will make my business successful, give me a sexy husband who’s smart and funny, and like 5 kids and a billion dollars. Thats where I’m headed, this is the prep. I get it. I got it tonight. If I had an option between go through hell to get what I want, or sit in place and stay safe while knowing in my gut I was meant to do more but didn’t have the balls to take the punches, I’d rather go through hell every. single. time. No questions. Blood sweat and tears baby. I think that’s why that is even a saying. And I literally have gone through so much hell it’s basically masochistic at this point. I’m not going to quit my job right now I’m going to endure it. I will breathe through it. God wants me to learn something. What do you want me to learn, God? Persistence, self control, love, and what else? Stamina, courage, unselfishness. I just channeled all that but part of me feels like he’s beating around the bush here. There’s something more substantial isn’t there? There must be. What did I learn from my last job? Grit. Brainwashing myself into liking something, breathing through the tough times. At least I’m not broke I don’t think I’ll ever go back to that spot. I’m following my joy bitch. Regardless if this is hell its still the direction of my joy. Thats the catch. Usually people distinguish being comfortable and safe with being joyful. That is not it for me.

The Airport

So the reason I was going through that situation in my head about Bali was because I want to go, but, the place where I was motivated from was wrong. I was motivated by emotion. I need to buy it in “God’s time”, or the universe’s time, whichever you choose. So I’m waiting. Thats fine with me, I still believe I’m going. I’m going to start planning my trip. I found my hotel. I’m super excited. Also, there is no reason to believe that I will be able to quit my job by then so for now I’m planning on just going for two weeks. Also, I want to go alone. I have a couple friends that have suggested we go together but honestly I need it for a cleansing trip for myself. I need to see the world without restraints right now. Sometimes I like having people around, but sometimes I don’t. Because I traveled most of my 20’s for work, I was almost always alone. I became really good friends with the airport. I love airports. I feel so safe and inspired. Mainly because I am going to get where I’m going without any responsibility put on me. Other than having to show up on time, I really don’t have any control getting to where I’m going to wind up. It’s like this interesting, sexy, place, void of responsibility, rich with inspiration and culture. I miss that feeling. Like entering a time warp. Completely alone, but everyone else is alone, you are all alone together. It’s such a nice dynamic. You feel no obligation to speak with one another but you have the comfort of knowing you are all there together. And none of you really have control. And all of you think about the possibilities, both good and bad, of what will come. Everything is unknown. You are entering completely uncharted territory. No matter what day you head to the airport, it’s never the same. You know you will never return home the same. So many people, some who are professional travelers, and some, not so much. International terminals. The Skyclub. I don’t know if there is a more seductive place than the Skyclub. It’s mostly men, but I like that personally. I like filling up a to-go cup of white wine, or a bailey’s and coffee, and walk around the airport aimlessly. And drinking. Drinking is an integral part of flying. Drinking is so integral for a couple reasons. The mood is light and airy. You feel daring, you feel powerful, you feel sexy, and you are also 1% terrified that you are going to die in a plane crash. You also do not have to drive most likely. I drank a bottle of wine and took a zanax on the way home from Madrid which was only like a 6 hour flight. I have no idea how I navigated my layover. The turbulance in the South Pacific caused me to take an Ambien on the way home from Singapore, my first experience fully awake on Ambien. If you have ever experienced that, you’ll understand why that’s traumatizing.

And the airpots. The experiences you have at airports are often equally as interesting as the destination itself. I’ve had 14 hour layovers in Amsterdam, enough time to go to the city center for breakfast, lunch, drinks, shopping, and a blunt. Airports that are completely open air, like in Palm Desert. Or Traverse City, where the airport is a log cabin. And some airports you refuse to fly out of, JFK or ORD. Some terminals you hate, like the Detla terminal at LAX. Some airport’s that are on your bucket list, like Charles de Gaulle (did it, the croissant’s were amazing), and Heathrow. Ben Gurion, potentially the most vulnerable of airports, and the measures they go to to protect themselves, eye opening. Machine guns and racial profiling are both mandatory. Where ticketing agents open your bag, take everything out, and you replace it, standard protocol. The Atlanta Delta terminal, so overwhelming. Their worldwide hub. Of course this particular night I decided to take a weed gummy bear (like when they first came out so obviously, I overdosed). And there are probably 50 security lines, and you can see them all because they are centralized, and separated by plexiglass, and there are just thousands of people, and the lighting is horrible, it’s like, yellow. This particular night was one of the largest thunderstorms. Another time coming home from ATL, I lost my passport and my iPod in one trip. That was a symbolic I was dating the wrong guy, I found out. I’ve lost every pair of sunglasses I’ve ever loved on a plane. During my hippy years, I was paranoid about the radiation in the x-ray machines at TSA so I would make them give me a pat down instead. Or the years and years I flew with weed before it was legal. Airports are always a fantastic time. Even when they are horrible. Idk. They feel like freedom to me.

Bali Neurosis

What if I did buy that ticket to Bali today? Or tomorrow? I’m using the idea that I cant buy it yet (making up reasons in my head as to why) as a reason to suffer. But then I remembered my travel savings. I did create that account strictly for travel. I could technically buy it and have not much financial guilt. The problem is, I intend for it to be a one way ticket. Here’s the thing though, I can always buy a return ticket at a later date. Or what if I bought a round trip ticket and then just changed the date when I knew it. Lets say, hypothetically, I cannot quit my job by then. Then I can buy a return ticket for 2 weeks. I don’t know why I’m stuck on this. Its been a few days and my thought has been consistent. I think I’m going in May but why am I so afraid to commit? It’s not that, it’s something else. Maybe I don’t want it to feel contrived. This happened when I went to Israel. If I bought it, what is the worst thing that could happen? I could wind up not wanting to go. I could waste money. I couldn’t find someone to watch my dog. Or I could feel obligated to go and then have a horrible time like I did last time I traveled. I could change my mind. I could have something come up that I absolutely cannot miss. I am afraid I’m buying it to escape. You’re never supposed to run away from something, you’re supposed to run towards something. It’s definitely an escape for me. However, I don’t believe the energy is running away from here. The motion is definitely a pulling motion. And this is just my way to negotiate with myself to work hard and focus right now. To give me some motivation. Something to look forward to. A light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it’s very little marvel, and very much work in my life.

I’ve been called to Bali for years and I’ve never been. But I’ve had a similar experience of being called to a spiritual destination. In 2014 I was living in Los Angeles. I was being called to Ojai, this city about 2 hours north of LA. I heard about it from the LA natives. The entire time I lived in LA, I was working to death. I worked so much. I said yes to every single job. And eventually, I was just thinking to myself, why am I doing this? To pay my rent? I’m picking up random jobs that I don’t give a fuck about in order to make money to pay my bills. That seems like a rat race to me. No end goal. And I was modeling so really for me that was not my end goal. My goal of living there was simply to exist in California for a while and soak up the life lessons that needed to be realized. By this time, I had been there almost 2 years. Long story short, I had to negotiate with myself to take jobs that I didn’t want to because I was burnt out. And I told myself, if I took the jobs I didn’t want to, and killed myself at work, then I would go to Ojai one weekend, and I planned it. And I was so excited doing those jobs the last couple days because I knew what the reward was. I finished my last job at Forever 21 HQ on a Friday, and drove to Ojai, by myself. I stayed in an Airbnb, the image is from the cafe across from my Airbnb. There was this woman riding a horse. Enough said! It was insane. It was to-date one of the most intense spiritual experiences I’ve had.

So, I’m getting similar vibes with this Bali situation. I don’t want to place too much emphasis or hold my expectations too high. Why does ego ruin everything? I do have goals for what I’m currently doing but I need to speed it up because I know I can. It’s an aggressive deadline. It’s scary. It’s basically saying I will be able to support myself with my own business by then. But like I said, I could always stay at my job and just take a vacay. I just don’t want it to be that way. Maybe I’m afraid of failing. Devils advocate, what if I waited to buy the ticket? The price may go up. The flight may be sold out. I may chicken out. Do the pros outweigh the cons? I’m going to ask my pendulum: my pendulum said yes, to buy the ticket. I’m going to wait. This is what it feels like to be neurotic.

Be Where You Are

I met with my coach tonight and I love how she just gets to the bottom of things. We uncovered the fact that in order to get to where I need to be, I need to fall in love with where I’m at. I don’t know why I have such resistance to liking my job and my current circumstances, but that’s about to change. I’ve been through this. Last year, in order to find a new job (this job), I had to brainwash myself into being happy at my old job. I used to force myself to verbally say out loud “I love my job, I love my life” like 5 million times. Call me psycho, but it worked. I got way more into my job and started finding things that I appreciated about it. I started closing more deals and was really confident in my role. And the moment that happened, the resistance completely loosened around getting a new job, and all of the opportunities in the “vortex” came pouring in. When I say immediately, I mean within like 2 days. That feeling of losing resistance towards something feels like you almost don’t want what you wanted anymore. You want what you have. It felt like, damn I don’t really want to leave my job right now. I’m really into it and I am enjoying all of these aspects of it. Thats what it feels like to lose resistance. So until I feel that feeling about my current job, I won’t be able to get what I want. And what I want is to be able to quit my day job and entirely support myself through my consulting business. I want to do this for a couple reasons, better ROI and more freedom mainly. I need to travel a little bit. Also I’m destined to be self employed I already knew that even getting into corporate in the first place.

I have taken a break from traveling and I need to get back into it, my soul is like, needing to expand. I traveled for basically all of my twenties, but I have not taken an international excursion (where I spend months at a time) in almost a decade. It’s time. For sure. I want to travel and work abroad, or nationally, wherever I want, for as long as I want. I don’t want to wander, fuck no I’m over that ”finding myself’ shit. I want to expand my professional and creative life. I’m very in line with my passions suddenly and I’m channeling them in proper outlets, and I know travel is a huge component to fully realizing these outlets. I will work every day but I will work in different settings which will make me a stronger professional and also more happy and likely to attract business.

Anyways that was kind of a tangent, getting back to the point…tricking myself into being obsessed and thriving where I’m at. Earlier today it did dawn on me that I’m currently playing the role of a single girl living a semi normal life. I have never lived a normal adult life. I was craving normal and stability. I am working in a corporate job and making a little less than 6 figures a year. Driving a Buick. Living in the most random suburb of Detroit. I have roommates for the first time in years. I am getting paid a salary so I have no control over my income (I’m used to working on commission). Super normal. But it’s not going to be like this forever. Eventually I’m going to be playing a different role. The one I see in my vision. Why not enjoy the aspects of this role? I used to see this vision too minus roommates I think. There are definitely perks. The more you tap out of reality and day dream about your future, the more miserable you will become, leading you farther from what you want.