Abortion Ban

I think banning abortion is one of the most infuriating things I’ve ever seen. Every girl has been manipulated by a dumb ass horny guy at least once in her life. I’ve been manipulated by guys to have sex when I did not want to, and I’ve also been manipulated by guys to not wear a condom. In fact I’ve even been manipulated by a guy who knew I was not on birth control, to not wear a condom when I had one available, and then came inside me and didn’t tell me about it when I asked him to his face he said he “swore on his family” that he did not cum inside me. So I wound up pregnant and then he told me abortion was the only option and that abortion was no different than the morning after pill. You can say that ultimately all of these times I was “manipulated” was my fault, and it was absolutely. But we are human, we have holes, and voids, we have childhood pain, we have insecurities, we want to trust people, we want to see the best in people, we crave attention, were emotionally deprived, were human. We all make mistakes, we make decisions in the heat of the moment, we want people to like us, we trust people who should not be trusted, especially narcissists and sociopaths. These personality types are designed to make us trust them instantly. Instant rapport. Incidentally that is who this guy who impregnated me was. Women should not bear the burden of these decisions. If there is a law that a pregnancy is unwanted and has taken place, then there should be checks and balances to hold men accountable for these actions. I’m disgusted and heated over this concept. Un fucking believable. I’m officially a liberal. If you want to tell me I should have done this, I should have done that, lets diagnose your life and I’ll tell you all of the areas where you are the weakest and where you need to improve your life and all of the fucking stupid things you are doing because none of us are perfect.

No one WANTS to have an abortion. No one “supports” abortion. It’s a horrible situation. But the reality is that mistakes happen and sometimes its the best option. If America offered a grant, say $2500 a month to a single woman for every child she had out of wedlock, for any unwanted/unexpected pregnancy, then I would say okay fine I’d love to keep my baby. Because I wanted to keep the baby. I just couldn’t afford it. I have no help, my family would not support me, I was not making enough money, and now I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. I’ve had to find ways to cope and reconcile it. That psychological pain is enough punishment I’m all set.

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Shamanic Journeying

OMG when did I abandon myself? When the fuck did I abandon myself? This is a whole new level of abandonment. I have not been this girl in years YEARS. And all of a sudden I’m back. I feel so much better. So much more comfortable in my skin. For years I think I was trying to be what people expected me to be, or what I thought I needed to be to be loved. I see you and I love you anyway. That is how I feel about humanity. Because I played these games of facades with myself for so long, now I see others’ facades, but then you see where it is motivated from and its always a place of a scared child and you can have compassion.

I started shamanic journeying this week, I’ve done it twice so far, and this last time is the time that shifted me back into my persona which is my most authentic persona. This persona of the “girl next door” is me. It was a combo of things, seeing my friend and mentor, right before going on a date, who told me I was really intimidating and to downplay my “assets” and play the girl next door for this date. So I did and wow I just literally have never felt so amazing. Between that and the journey to the underworld where I met with one of my power animals, the tiger, who realigned me. She said I needed to be self-sufficient in order to get to the next stage in my life. Also put me in this terry cloth two piece white jungle outfit and was like- there you go now accept yourself. And I just did. And all of a sudden I’m a different person.

Because when I used to ask my guides, what do I need to do in order to get to the next level in my life, they would always say “love yourself”. And I was always like, I AM. I AM LOVING MYSELF. But I wasn’t. I was loving myself from an ego perspective, but when I examined my inner being; what is the ME inside? And I wrote out all those traits of how I viewed my inner being, they were all negative. So this was enlightening, this is what my guides were talking about, so I knew I needed to change this, I needed soul surgery. I believe that is what happened in my last shamanic journey.

I quit smoking weed

So I decided last night to quit smoking weed. I love weed, I never smoked weed in high school, I tried it in college but it was not something I did by myself regularly until my mid twenties. So I associated it with something in “adulthood”. A lot of people abused weed in HS or college but I thought if I was a responsible adult, doing it only a few times per week for spiritual growth then it was not considered abuse. But having now done weed regularly for almost a decade I can tell you that I think this piece of the puzzle is what is missing for me. This is not naturally who I am.

I’ve been on a spiritual journey for the past decade and weed is really amazing for that. It opens your mind to another perspective. Its a very enlightened plant and it helps you face your fears and break down barriers. It’s turned into something I depend on in the evening to make life interesting though. I don’t like drinking alcohol or going out, and I live in MI so there are not like a ton of people my age doing things that are fun. Plus I’ve been a workaholic so I like to work and work and work. At night I like to smoke weed and write or work, clean, do yoga, something that feels productive. But that is the problem, I totally depend on it for connection and spiritual growth. I think that erodes your self confidence if you feel like you need something outside of you in order to be your best self. The connection part of it too is something I just realized I was depending on.

When you smoke you do feel connected to the law of one. You feel connected to the universe. I’ve learned so much, it enhances your psychic powers, dissolves thought patterns, its the closest thing to “seeing the color of my own eyes” as I’ve ever come. Its what led me down my current career path, its what has opened my mind to seeing things from others perspective, its what has made me understand the totality of the universe.

But I’m over thinking I don’t have the answers. We all have all the answers internally, there is nothing I need to seek. There’s nothing I need to search for that I cant search for internally. And if I want to connect, I want to find healthy ways to do that. I do that through my business, through my friendships, through literature, but I don’t have a habit of doing any of that if I’m smoking weed on a regular basis.

Weed never really affected my ability to think unless because I don’t do enough of it that it makes me foggy. I have experienced that but its not something I struggled with because I balanced it so I could think clearly and feel healthy. That is why I sustained it for so long because I justified the fact that I balanced it and it was not clouding my judgement or thought process. I’m also not “where I want to be” in my life. That is so subjective but its true. For all the spiritual work I’ve done, yes I’m enlightened but I need to get to the next level and I don’t think weed is going to get me there. It got me this far, it got me very far. But now it’s time I take the training wheels off and ride on my own.

I’m super happy with my decision because nature abhors a vacuum so I’m excited to see what is next. I want to fill my life with authentic growth and connection. As well as self esteem. I feel empowered knowing that I can rely on myself 100% to learn, grow, and be my best self. I’m ready to step into the version of myself that I’ve been working towards this past decade. Not saying I’ll never smoke again but it shouldn’t occur more than a couple times per year for me. Or maybe never, well see. Let me know what your experience is with weed in the comments.

Hypnosis

I was hypnotized again yesterday. This shit is insane. What do you wish was different in your life? What is your weakness that you wish you could improve upon? Okay you can change it. Find a good hypnotherapist! I found this gentleman on Yelp. His name is Timothy Miles, if you are in the metro Detroit area. The first time I saw him we did timeline therapy like I said, and I lost the thought that I was a burden and trying to people please. Then I lost my job. Now its been a few weeks and so much has changed. I’ve lived in that reality for a little while and I knew exactly what I wanted to work on this time. I have no room for error and I’m under a time constraint so I’m hyper focused. This actually is the best way for me to operate. If I have too much time I dick around and procrastinate. But here I am, I just turned 33, left corporate America, and my business is doing amazing as long as I keep the momentum I think it will take off just fine. I’ve identified and sourced the first product I am going to sell on Amazon. I am almost done with my second skincare book. I’m generating client leads. Everything is good.

So yesterday when I went to get hypnotized my goal was to increase my revenue in my business and I knew the exact thing I needed to improve. I need to be able to FEEL like the person that I want to be. And now I do. I already am that. We wait literally so long to validate ourselves. No matter how intelligent and experienced we are, sometimes we don’t think we are “ready” to be the person that we already are. I didn’t know that exactly but after telling him what I thought the problem was he diagnosed me and treated that. Now I just don’t understand another way. It doesn’t make sense to say I was not a skin coach, I always have been and I always will be. that is what I am. Before, I was waiting for a moment to be able to claim that position.

Realizing Things

It’s crazy to have like legitimate beef in your life with people and legitimately horrible situations occur in your life that you hate and people act like demons towards you and people acted horrible towards you but then you realize suddenly that I was actually all you the entire time and it was actually never anyone else it was just you. That’s fucked up.

Spring Equinox

This is so crazy dude I feel like I’m coming back from the dead. I literally feel sensations in my body that I haven’t felt before. I feel like I have been completely dead for almost 2 years if not more. I have never felt so free and confident with where I was going and what I was doing. I wasn’t ready two years ago. I knew what I wanted at that point like I knew I wanted to Amazon business I knew I wanted to be in e-commerce but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t understand business, I didn’t understand grit, I didn’t understand money, I didn’t understand what it took, I didn’t have any self-confidence at all, I didn’t have any self-respect, and I was way too laissez faire with what was going on in my life. Way to chill about it. That had to do with discipline, self respect, and naiveté like that’s all it had to do it. But like I feel like eat pray love right now, I feel like I’m about to have an eat pray love moment. I have been dedicated to watching that movie for the past several years. I dreamt about becoming Olivia Pope but I wasn’t Olivia Pope I was a fucking bitch.

And I don’t feel like the victim whatsoever because this is exactly what I wanted. I wrote in my goals that I read off every morning that I wanted to quit my job as soon as possible. I would never have quit my job if I didn’t have revenue so it had to be this way. That was the conundrum it was like what comes first the chicken or the egg? Because at this point I’m so fucking miserable I’m creating out of desperation and I have to drop that in order to get what I want. I have to drop the desperation in order to actually manifest what I want to manifest. So I had that thought, what if I left this job and then I was able to create from an honest place versus this place that I was living in, which was out of fear? But I was also being intelligent, I was supposed to be there at the time. Just like I was supposed to be at RH too. And Toyota. Toyota was definitely a soul suck but not even close, not even close, not even close to corporate America, not even close. The amount of soul sucking that takes place, the model is completely fucked up. Of course for some people it may work that’s fine, but for my personality I feel like I’m dying every day. In fact every day at like 2pm when I realized I had 3 hours left- that Kanye West song would automatically come into my head “I feel like I’m dying” and it literally echoed in my brain for the past two years. It has echoed in my brain because I felt like I was dying and now I’m free. I don’t have any resentment because these people are probably cool as fuck like on a personal level I would like them, I would really like them. But on a professional level I was fucking miserable.

I just feel like I’m reinvigorated. I feel like sexual again, like feminine and sensual. Something I didn’t feel much of while I was in my masculine energy grinding away for the man. I’m just so grateful to feel this way and yes it’s a huge leap of faith and everyone tells you not to do this, but I didn’t quit- this was taken from me on the spring equinox. It was taken from me because I got hypnotized, I was no longer match the situation. On the spring equinox it all ended. It obviously is perfect, I couldn’t make this shit up.

Mentality

Okay I wrote this poem a few months ago when I was really inspired by Eminem again. He has a song that is just bitching about everything he hates and I found it poetic. At the time I was also immersed in so many things I hated. Ironically, after re-reading this draft, I resonated with so many things that I have actually overcome since writing this. Unbelievable how life works. I highlighted one of the lines because that is the core belief I just got hypnotized out of last week. So fucking crazy.

Im sick of going to a job I hate.

Im sick of living “pay check to paycheck” no matter how much I make.

Im sick of calculating costs of things.

I’m sick of being afraid of looking at my bank account.

I’m sick of spending so much time somewhere I hate.

Im sick of wondering if Im doing the right thing.

Im sick of feeling stifled.

I’m sick of feeling misunderstood.

Im sick of feeling stuck.

Im sick of feeling under appreciated.

I’m sick of not fitting in.

I’m sick of not getting fucked good.

I’m sick of having to lay low.

I’m sick of wondering what people will say.

I’m sick of wearing the same fucking sweatpants every day.

My room is the size of a closet.

I’m sick of my parents not wanting to see me.

Im sick of thinking of ways to decrease my costs instead of increasing my revenue.

I’m sick of people who are less talented than me making more than me.

I’m sick of people who don’t work as hard getting more bags.

Im sick of questioning myself.

I’m sick of berating myself.

I’m sick of not knowing how to express myself.

I’m sick of not knowing what to do.

I’m sick of dating.

Sick of guys who are afraid of me.

Im sick of smoking weed.

I’m sick of drinking.

Im sick of being bored as fuck.

I’m sick of this small ass house.

Im sick of not having time to spend doing things I want to do.

Im sick of even when I have the time to spend I don’t have the money to spend.

Im sick of rejecting myself.

I’m sick of questioning my every move.

Wondering if I should put that content out or not.

Wondering how people would react.

Wondering if I will be accepted.

I’m sick of feeling like I work twice as hard for a quarter as much.

Im sick of my mentality.

How the fuck am I supposed to get out of it?

The mentality that is my reality Im sick of it.

I’m sick of not feeling good enough.

Im sick of not being focused, having no focus.

Im sick of being addicted.

Im sick of fucking random guys.

Im sick of petty fucking people.

I’m sick of not getting what I want. 

I’m sick of feeling like the best is over. 

I’m sick of nothing feeling exciting to me. 

I’m sick of having to push so many limits. 

I’m sick of this iCloud fucking pop up. 

I’m sick of trying to be patient because that’s what I’m “supposed” to do.

I’m sick of doing anything that I think I’m supposed to do for the sake of other people. 

I’m sick of the tedious day to day shit I don’t have the attention span to pay attention to that shit.

I’m sick of my bar being so high I wish I was okay with mediocre. 

I’m sick of seeing things from every angle. 

I’m sick of the feeling I get when I think about going to work.

I’m sick of not being in my element. 

Fear is fucking boring. 

I’m sick of hyper vigilance and neurosis. 

I’m sick of men being pussies. 

I’m sick of being stronger than every man I meet.

I’m sick of money being an excuse to not create. 

I’m sick of insecure bitches.

I’m sick of the ups and the downs.

I’m sick of feeling excited and powerful then drab and powerless within one day. 

I’m sick of all my good ideas not coming to fruition.

I’m sick of being patient. I’ve been so fucking patient. 

I’m sick of having high standards for everything except the way I’m treated. Maybe that’s why it’s so fucking hard to get what I want. 

I’m sick of this fucking house that I have to force myself to appreciate in order to be patient enough to get what I want. 

I’m sick of it being so fucking hard to do the most basic shit. 

I miss the fucking days when there was something to look forward to where I wasn’t motivated by fear where I didn’t have a shirt load of bills to worry about that I was trapped to. 

I gave up worrying. I gave up fear. Life is going to have to shove what I want down my throat in order for me to take it. I’m just going to chill in the meantime. Why waste my life trying to worry about what my life is when life wants me to have what I want? Supposedly.