The turning point that made me move home from California was a day when I was in Ojai, CA. The time I wrote previously about. A friend of mine brought mushrooms from LA and met me in the Ojai Valley on the second day I was there. It had been a decade since I took mushrooms. During that trip I had a total meltdown and realized I needed to leave LA. Well yesterday, I had a meltdown, not psilocybin induced just more of a mental breakdown, and decided i had to be back in LA. Also, my beauty career is in full force now and LA was the place where I discovered chemical peels. Its just crazy how shit comes full circle. Why did I even come back to MI? Over the past 5 years since moving back here I got my esthetician’s license, made a lot of money, lost a lot of money, got a “real” job, learned what “grit” means, ate a lot of shit, the most shit ever, got a boob job, a concussion, met some amazing people, and I realized what role CA plays in my life. Its the land of healing. Its not meant for me to be there long term. Its intermittent.
I was happy to discover my love affair with LA is not over. Im drawn back to the city over and over again but its intensified over the last year and I’m not interested in booking a weekend trip. I’m interested in more of an extended stay, but don’t want to move. Moving there before has come full circle for me it makes perfect sense. LA has a healing energy that I haven’t experienced anywhere else, it’s like another planet. Looking at a map at different airbnb options I am getting flashbacks. I think I had a previous life there. I always say that but I cant explain my connection in any closer of an example. I love Detroit, this will always be home. Since I moved back here in 2014 I have not thought one single time about moving back. I view LA sometimes as a playground for the lost, it really is. But there’s a reason for that. The lost go there to find something. Sometimes they don’t find it and they get even further lost, they don’t make it out. Other’s find what they need and leave. Others go there for work and stay forever. Few people that live there are indigenous. LA is a combination of ecstasy and mushrooms. Somehow it dances that fine line between spirituality and corruption.
I can’t decide what is worse, being broke or being in a super uncomfortable situation like the one I’m in now. Because when I was broke it was really uncomfortable and probably one of the most uncomfortable things ever but now I’m in a situation where I’m not broke, I have disposable income but, it’s all accounted for. Its reinvested into my business so I don’t really have like a cushion in that regard like most of my paychecks come in and leave the second that they come in so that’s an issue for me. But my rent is $1000 cheaper than it was before, and I’m making probably double what I was making before, and I still don’t have that much disposable income every paycheck is accounted for it’s really really really really really exhausting I’ll be straight up with y’all. Its on my last nerve dealing with bullshit and having my bank at 0 constantly. And I fucking hate my living situation like, my living situation is death. It’s the worst I am so uncomfortable, I’m confined to my bedroom, I have two roommates and my room is so small and I feel so uncomfortable hanging out downstairs in the in the living area because no one does. So I’m confined to my room and my room is so tiny that I basically have everything in the attic so I can never find anything and I know for a fact this is one of my biggest biggest biggest triggers. My biggest triggers are being triggered in the situation. So what’s worse being broke or being triggered in every single way possible? That’s my question because I really thought that being broke was like the worst thing ever. But you know lately I’m starting to think that actually I feel like I’d rather be broke than be triggered. And then once I realized that I also realized i was in a parallel universe from back when I was a teenager. Because that was the exact feeling I felt. That feeling I had from my family the worst feeling that exists and I’d rather gtfo and risk losing that silver spoon up my ass. Triggered but like in specific ways that are bothersome to you individually. For instance here, I feel like I’m a flower dying in too small of a plantar. I cant breath, my creativity is limited, my bed takes up my whole room so I literally sit on my bed sometimes for hours. I’m over it. I’m about to be 33. At least I can see the end of the tunnel. But the feeling is the most interesting part of it. Because the feeling indicates something I need to learn. This is why I’m here, its obviously perfect for me right now because of that. We are put in these situations to learn, but I feel like I’m being abused from every aspect of my life with childhood triggers. Its like the most excruciating pain that one could feel. I need to get out as soon as possible. Which is a different vibe than, I cant pay my bill sand I’m desperate for money. 2 completely different vibes. But equal in their discomfort. I will say at least when I couldn’t pay my bills I was movited. In this situation I’m just slowly dying. I know where I’m going and how I”m going to get there. But everything takes time. Like so much time though.
Being triggered is a way of God communicating with me to speed shit up, for example my needs are paid for but my wants are not paid for. So in order to light a fire under my ass put me in a situation where I feel like I’m dead inside so I must get out. In my previous scenario just last year, neither needs nor wants were paid for so I’m one pitiful step up. So I can look at the situation and say OK I’m fine for now, I can pay my rent every month, I can pay myself phone bill, I can pay all my bills, and I have a little bit of disposable income. So I can sit back and say OK I can tolerate this for a little while, versus not being able to pay my bills- that was intolerable. I wasn’t able to invest anything, I wasn’t able to grow.
I know God has a plan but like bitch I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. Like you know in Yoga you’re supposed to “breathe through it” so I’m trying, I am trying to fucking breathe through it. Are you serious like what is this.
I feel glimpses of breaking free, peeking around here and there. Glimpses of my future life where whatever the fucking thing is thats controlling me is gone. Where I freely express myself and can have all of my things organized so I can build more things. So I can understand the tools that I have to create with. So I can be spread out and close to my gym and grocery store. Like if that shit isn’t convenient I’m not ashamed to admit its a huge task. I want to be able to come home and spread out and think clearly. I know its going to clear after a few trips. I have to go somewhere and I keep thinking of ideas but nothing ever feels right. Where should I go?
I cant wait to see my family in heaven. They are alive now, but my family is very dysfunctional and I think in heaven, without bodies to worry about, without human ego, without human psychological disorders, I really think that we would have a good relationship. So I can’t wait to see them in heaven. When I can just see their souls and their spirits. Where there is no narcissism, or codependency, or golden children, or bipolar, or manipulation, abuse. I see it so clearly. There was a time that I remember being happy. Not for long periods of time, but there were glimpses. And the glimpses all link together in my memory. Nostalgia is a seductive liar. But I’m not fooling myself. I know we cannot be happy together now. Not in this life. I have formally given up that pipe dream. I spent years hanging onto those moments in time. I always thought our dysfunction was a phase and things would get better. But they’re getting worse. I know that those glimpses will never turn into days or hours or months. They are barely minutes nowadays. I actually don’t remember the vast majority of my childhood and I don’t know why. I speculate that it could be dissociation. I felt so guilty, so often, for so long. Even now. I feel guilt. I feel guilty because I have no inclination to call them or be around them on a regular basis. I feel guilty that I haven’t expressed my appreciation or love well enough. I feel guilty because they both victimize themselves and have trained their children to feel guilty. I feel guilty because they gave us everything materially that we could have wanted. I was spoiled, so spoiled. I’ve prayed and hoped and changed and researched and apologized and put in so much effort just to prove that I’m a good person. Just to prove that I want to see them. Just to prove that I love them. To prove that I value family. That I’m not just “using them” (my mom’s phrase). To prove that just because I’m pretty, it doesn’t mean I’m dumb. And just because I’m ambitious, doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person. And just because I have an opinion, it doesn’t mean I’m heartless. My efforts are obviously never well received. They are always rejected. My motivation is out of desperation, and I’m behaving just as I was trained to behave. I was trained to be a scape goat. There is no problem. So there would be nothing for them to respond to. I’m trying to prove something wrong that was never true in the first place. And the older I get, the more I am convinced, the problem is not me. Now I know for sure it’s not me. But I still have my doubts because they are my parents. And this is the web of programming that I have to unravel, so I don’t repeat this pattern with my future offspring. I am breaking this pattern. I’m not passing it down. My parents were both victims of narcissistic abuse and they didn’t stop it from continuing down the lineage. I will. I am adopted, so I always wondered, maybe I feel nothing because I am adopted. I wondered, do all adopted children feel this way? But no, that was not it. I feel nothing because they didn’t know how to have an emotional relationship with me. And now I don’t know how to have a normal emotional relationship with anyone. I mean, I truly feel nothing. And that gives me the worst anxiety. I feel love and appreciation towards them. I feel fondness towards them. But the absence of emotional connection in spite of the love is a really horrible conundrum. And it gives me anxiety. They trained my sisters to reject me as well. Particularly the one I should be closest with, my blood sister. Somehow her and I have the absolute worst relationship of all. She thinks I’m a demon and I think she lacks family loyalty and is mentally ill. My youngest sister is the most neurotic person I’ve ever met. She was the golden child so she has her own issues in the sense that she’s turning into a more neurotic and emotional version of my mother. I can’t tell if she is narcissistic or not. But its possible. When I was younger I dreamt of us growing up together and hanging out, going to clubs, going to dinner, but my dreams will never come true. I sound like the victim which is why it’s hard for me to a accept that it’s not my fault. Its either my fault or not my fault. If it’s my fault, I can fix it and I’m not victimizing myself. If it’s not my fault, then I am a victim and I can’t do anything about it. There are only two options. Why is it true that what you want most, you cannot have? I want a big family, that is super happy and successful. I want a family that values family loyalty. I want a family that enjoys being around each other and makes it a priority. I want a family that trusts each other.
The founder of Deciem was found dead today. He reportedly committed suicide but I am literally getting that intel from the comment section of Instagram. The New York Times said the Toronto Police would not confirm the death. But a spokesperson said it was a sudden death at an intersection. Super vague. He’s definitely dead. Or he disappeared himself. That is a legit possibility. I have been following the brand for quite a while and Brandon Truaxe was having a mental breakdown publicly and using Deciem’s Instagram as an outlet. He reportedly struggled with mental illness. This past December he announced that he would be shutting down operations because the majority of the employees at the company were involved in some sort of illegal operation. It was very obvious that something was completely wrong with him. Estee Lauder displaced him as CEO, and now people are saying Estee Lauder should be held accountable for not being more sensitive. I see that side, but ultimately its business. Getting rid of him was the absolute best thing for the organization. No one wanted to touch their products when he started going through this shit. I imagine their revenue plummeted. The second he was dismissed, the brand started doing better. It would have been nice if EL saw that he had proper counseling but certainly was no more their responsibility than his own families. You cannot control people.
Brandon Truaxe was brilliant. You can tell that through what he created. The Ordinary is an exquisitely marketed and geniously (is that a word) executed. NIOD is just as extraordinary. I am literally shocked though. I don’t know why I am so shocked. Nicola Kilner, his partner emailed the employees internally notifying them of his death over the weekend. The post on Deceim’s Instagram announcing his death was super confusing to me. I had no idea what they were trying to get across because their tone was not appropriate for the actual event that took place. “Brandon, our founder and friend. You touched our hearts, inspired our minds and made us believe that anything is possible. Thank you for every laugh, every learning and every moment of your genius. Whilst we can’t imagine a world without you, we promise to take care of each other and will work hard to continue your vision. May you finally be at peace. Love, (forever) your DECIEM ❤” It sounds like a love letter that a middle school girl wrote her crush.
I have not understood how to quantify my experience with acne. I overcame it in such a weird way I have not really understood it until recently. I tried every single product on the market. There was not a product too far or high for me to acquire. I didn’t care what it cost I just wanted to be able to understand and control my breakouts. They started out of nowhere and they continued for years whilst being connected to nothing in particular. It was almost 100% cystic. I experimented with different dieting techniques, products, health professionals, psychics, lights, chemical peels, you name it- I’ve tried it. Everything seemed to work a little bit, but not entirely.
The way I came to understand that my acne was psychological was when I saw a shaman. The shaman released a great deal of fear that I held onto that was provoking my emotions. Once I overcame that fear, I was never the same. I could never go back to thinking the fear was real, when it wasn’t. That fear was the direct catalyst for my cystic breakouts. I have most certainly had breakouts since then but I can tell you exactly where they came from. Its always either stress, low vibration, sugar, caffeine, cheese; usually a combination. When I say fear, I mean a nonsensical fear. I mean like neurosis. The best way I can put it is, take a step back and look at how you view your acne? If you get a gut wrenching sensation when you feel a cystic breakout coming on, then you are experiencing psychological acne.
Why was today the most dramatic day? It truly was awful. Not sure if I was on a tailspin from my boss. Damn I cannot let her effect me. I have to start saying I love my boss I love my boss I love my boss. I think that’s the problem. Because if I say ‘I love my job’, thats not exactly the problem because I do kind of love my job, my actual job is not the issue, it’s my relationship with my boss.
Today was like a strong pulling between what I want, need, and “should” do. Yes the should is in quotes because it is all in my head I believe. I needed something so I was trying to solve it with buying things I want, but I really didn’t come across anything that I wanted to buy that made me feel better. So thats when I knew it was outside of myself. It’s a more emotional need of some sort. So then I tried to solve that with food. But then like I have been eating crappy all week so I kept trying to find healthy versions of crappy things and none of them were satisfying because it wasn’t what I really wanted. I knew that I didn’t even really want to eat junk food because nothing sounded good but I guess thats just like my go to, shopping and eating. Who knew. So what would an alternative be? I could channel it into writing. Try to express how I feel. I could have gone to the gym. Could have gone for a drive. Bla bla bla coulda woulda. A drive is the most likely of all of those but I was trying to work. And then just got tired and took a muscle relaxer which was the best idea I had all day. Except then I woke up and went to two different Sephora’s and bough a random sheet mask I didn’t even care about. Okay trust the process, Jen! These are the moments. The moments where everything seems really pointless and wasteful, can it still be a quality part of life? Could it still be the path? Am I learning something or is my perception robbing me of enjoying it?
Today was partially set off by my boss (which is where this story started) and then the astrological circumstances. The full moon this Sunday, Jan. 19 is called a Blood Moon or a Wolf Moon. It’s also a lunar eclipse. It’s the last lunar eclipse for a while I believe. I don’t care if it sounds like BS. I’m telling you right now, my body reacts to these events. That is the real reason what happened.