Create a Morning Routine

I started a morning routine last full moon which was 2/19. Something clicked and I watched a few business guru’s do it and I decided to give it a shot. I’ve almost perfected my routine, at first I just copied what others were doing until I found what worked best for my flow. Here is what I have evolved it to: Wake up at 5am, listen to morning affirmations, workout, shower, hot water with lemon, meditate 15 minutes, say my goals out loud, observe my vision board, sometimes pull my Doreen Virtue cards, burn sage, get ready for the day.

It has literally changed my life. The first day it was a struggle I remember the day exactly. I decided to go to a 6 am yoga the night before. You know how you always plan to workout the next morning and then it never happens? That was my norm. This particular day like I said was a full moon so I was really committed to doing this yoga class. I woke up the next day and did my normal talk myself out of it but literally dragged my ass out of bed and went to this yoga class. The class was horrible ironically but I loved the feeling so much I have gone to the gym every morning since.

That’s something I just recently experienced so its fresh in my mind. I remember being in the gym literally crying because I felt so mentally and physically weak. I also didn’t look healthy I had lost a lot of muscle tone. It takes an extreme amount of will power to get over the first hump with anything. Your mind will fight so hard for you to stay where you’re it. And it’s been conditioned now to be a bit lazy.

I’ve written my goals twice. Once on 2/22 and once on 3/3. I revised after getting really into a groove because what I wanted became very clear. When I say my goals out loud I can feel whether I believe them or not. They also become revised and more specific the more I say them. As I say them every day I find things to tweak every time.

I feel amazing too because after I workout in the morning I love that I don’t think about it the whole day like I used to. I used to literally feel guilty and stressed subconsciously all day thinking about going to the gym after work. Its a nightmare because it’s so busy, there’s so much traffic, and by the time you are done with the gym you are starving. Its just annoying honestly I don’t go if I have to go after work but going in the morning was not working out for me.

I can feel myself actually manifesting now. Everyday I look at my vision board and I imagine myself in various scenarios, I actually start to

Everyone always says to get specific when you ask for things that you want. But really its hard to do that unless you have absolutely no ego at all which doesn’t exist. When you are thinking with your conscious mind, instead of your feelings, your ego is way louder. I’m using ego in the psychological sense not in the more popular egocentric sense. I discovered this when I had to revise my goals and also my vision board. I realized a few of the goals I wrote down and photos I chose absolutely did not resonate with me. But consciously they were in the same bucket as the goals and photos that did resonate.

Even though I have had really bad days over the past month, no matter whatI control my focus each day. I’m not living some sort of “medicated” happy life, I’m living my normal life with highs and lows but no matter what my focus is on my goals and I believe I can achieve my goals. Whereas before I would lose focus based on my highs or lows. My focus would be in reaction to my mood. Now its the opposite. That is the main difference. So literally I had a mental breakdown last week when retrograde started-3/6. And my favorite part of my day was the fact I was still doing my morning routine which made me feel even more justified in taking the mental time I needed.

Respecting Yourself

This whole time I’ve been paranoid that my parents are going to die before I can earn their respect or love or make them proud or aware of my love for them. I’ve spent much of my life trying to negotiate with myself that I’m not a bad person and put as much effort as I can into showing them how I feel. But really I’m chasing my tail. I realized that is an effect of the abuse, it’s the perpetual guilt and fear that I’ve learned. I’ve learned that my goal is to prove that I’m not what they’ve positioned me as in my family. To show them that I’m not actually the person that accuse me of being. Its pathetic how long I’ve accepted this role actually. Of course I know that I’ve been treated poorly but I always thought subconsciously if I just showed them that i was a good person they would accept me. I’ve of course fantasized my options but only saw 2; accept them the way they are and thus the way they treat me, or reject them completely and never see or speak to them again.

But there’s another option I had never considered before. Today I decided that I’m not rejecting my family, that’s not what it’s about. I love them and I’m grateful for the way that I’ve been treated because it’s the only reason that I’m as successful and clear minded as I am today. Got that golden nugget from Tony Robbins. I’m actually rejecting the position they’ve assigned within the family dynamic. That is the key distinction. I felt so guilty for rejecting them and also felt very alone. But the fact that I’m not rejecting them was such a weight off my shoulders. I expect to be treated with respect and like the amazing person that I am. I send them love and happiness and no resentment. The resentment is gone. Im so thankful I was not their golden child because If I were I’d be psychologically even more fucked, I wouldn’t have a way out. All the pressure and rejection and trying to be perfect has created this ecosystem within me that has molded me into the person with the amount of passion and drive that I have today.

Full Circle

The turning point that made me move home from California was a day when I was in Ojai, CA. The time I wrote previously about. A friend of mine brought mushrooms from LA and met me in the Ojai Valley on the second day I was there. It had been a decade since I took mushrooms. During that trip I had a total meltdown and realized I needed to leave LA. Well yesterday, I had a meltdown, not psilocybin induced just more of a mental breakdown, and decided i had to be back in LA. Also, my beauty career is in full force now and LA was the place where I discovered chemical peels. Its just crazy how shit comes full circle. Why did I even come back to MI? Over the past 5 years since moving back here I got my esthetician’s license, made a lot of money, lost a lot of money, got a “real” job, learned what “grit” means, ate a lot of shit, the most shit ever, got a boob job, a concussion, met some amazing people, and I realized what role CA plays in my life. Its the land of healing. Its not meant for me to be there long term. Its intermittent.

Los Angeles

I was happy to discover my love affair with LA is not over. Im drawn back to the city over and over again but its intensified over the last year and I’m not interested in booking a weekend trip. I’m interested in more of an extended stay, but don’t want to move. Moving there before has come full circle for me it makes perfect sense. LA has a healing energy that I haven’t experienced anywhere else, it’s like another planet. Looking at a map at different airbnb options I am getting flashbacks. I think I had a previous life there. I always say that but I cant explain my connection in any closer of an example. I love Detroit, this will always be home. Since I moved back here in 2014 I have not thought one single time about moving back. I view LA sometimes as a playground for the lost, it really is. But there’s a reason for that. The lost go there to find something. Sometimes they don’t find it and they get even further lost, they don’t make it out. Other’s find what they need and leave. Others go there for work and stay forever. Few people that live there are indigenous. LA is a combination of ecstasy and mushrooms. Somehow it dances that fine line between spirituality and corruption.

Narcissism

I cant wait to see my family in heaven. They are alive now, but my family is very dysfunctional and I think in heaven, without bodies to worry about, without human ego, without human psychological disorders, I really think that we would have a good relationship. So I can’t wait to see them in heaven. When I can just see their souls and their spirits. Where there is no narcissism, or codependency, or golden children, or bipolar, or manipulation, abuse. I see it so clearly. There was a time that I remember being happy. Not for long periods of time, but there were glimpses. And the glimpses all link together in my memory. Nostalgia is a seductive liar. But I’m not fooling myself. I know we cannot be happy together now. Not in this life. I have formally given up that pipe dream. I spent years hanging onto those moments in time. I always thought our dysfunction was a phase and things would get better. But they’re getting worse. I know that those glimpses will never turn into days or hours or months. They are barely minutes nowadays. I actually don’t remember the vast majority of my childhood and I don’t know why. I speculate that it could be dissociation. I felt so guilty, so often, for so long. Even now. I feel guilt. I feel guilty because I have no inclination to call them or be around them on a regular basis. I feel guilty that I haven’t expressed my appreciation or love well enough. I feel guilty because they both victimize themselves and have trained their children to feel guilty. I feel guilty because they gave us everything materially that we could have wanted. I was spoiled, so spoiled. I’ve prayed and hoped and changed and researched and apologized and put in so much effort just to prove that I’m a good person. Just to prove that I want to see them. Just to prove that I love them. To prove that I value family. That I’m not just “using them” (my mom’s phrase). To prove that just because I’m pretty, it doesn’t mean I’m dumb. And just because I’m ambitious, doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person. And just because I have an opinion, it doesn’t mean I’m heartless. My efforts are obviously never well received. They are always rejected. My motivation is out of desperation, and I’m behaving just as I was trained to behave. I was trained to be a scape goat. There is no problem. So there would be nothing for them to respond to. I’m trying to prove something wrong that was never true in the first place. And the older I get, the more I am convinced, the problem is not me. Now I know for sure it’s not me. But I still have my doubts because they are my parents. And this is the web of programming that I have to unravel, so I don’t repeat this pattern with my future offspring. I am breaking this pattern. I’m not passing it down. My parents were both victims of narcissistic abuse and they didn’t stop it from continuing down the lineage. I will. I am adopted, so I always wondered, maybe I feel nothing because I am adopted. I wondered, do all adopted children feel this way? But no, that was not it. I feel nothing because they didn’t know how to have an emotional relationship with me. And now I don’t know how to have a normal emotional relationship with anyone. I mean, I truly feel nothing. And that gives me the worst anxiety. I feel love and appreciation towards them. I feel fondness towards them. But the absence of emotional connection in spite of the love is a really horrible conundrum. And it gives me anxiety. They trained my sisters to reject me as well. Particularly the one I should be closest with, my blood sister. Somehow her and I have the absolute worst relationship of all. She thinks I’m a demon and I think she lacks family loyalty and is mentally ill. My youngest sister is the most neurotic person I’ve ever met. She was the golden child so she has her own issues in the sense that she’s turning into a more neurotic and emotional version of my mother. I can’t tell if she is narcissistic or not. But its possible. When I was younger I dreamt of us growing up together and hanging out, going to clubs, going to dinner, but my dreams will never come true. I sound like the victim which is why it’s hard for me to a accept that it’s not my fault. Its either my fault or not my fault. If it’s my fault, I can fix it and I’m not victimizing myself. If it’s not my fault, then I am a victim and I can’t do anything about it. There are only two options. Why is it true that what you want most, you cannot have? I want a big family, that is super happy and successful. I want a family that values family loyalty. I want a family that enjoys being around each other and makes it a priority. I want a family that trusts each other.

Deciem, The Abnormal Beauty Company

The founder of Deciem was found dead today. He reportedly committed suicide but I am literally getting that intel from the comment section of Instagram. The New York Times said the Toronto Police would not confirm the death. But a spokesperson said it was a sudden death at an intersection. Super vague. He’s definitely dead. Or he disappeared himself. That is a legit possibility. I have been following the brand for quite a while and Brandon Truaxe was having a mental breakdown publicly and using Deciem’s Instagram as an outlet. He reportedly struggled with mental illness. This past December he announced that he would be shutting down operations because the majority of the employees at the company were involved in some sort of illegal operation. It was very obvious that something was completely wrong with him. Estee Lauder displaced him as CEO, and now people are saying Estee Lauder should be held accountable for not being more sensitive. I see that side, but ultimately its business. Getting rid of him was the absolute best thing for the organization. No one wanted to touch their products when he started going through this shit. I imagine their revenue plummeted. The second he was dismissed, the brand started doing better. It would have been nice if EL saw that he had proper counseling but certainly was no more their responsibility than his own families. You cannot control people.

Brandon Truaxe was brilliant. You can tell that through what he created. The Ordinary is an exquisitely marketed and geniously (is that a word) executed. NIOD is just as extraordinary. I am literally shocked though. I don’t know why I am so shocked. Nicola Kilner, his partner emailed the employees internally notifying them of his death over the weekend. The post on Deceim’s Instagram announcing his death was super confusing to me. I had no idea what they were trying to get across because their tone was not appropriate for the actual event that took place. “Brandon, our founder and friend. You touched our hearts, inspired our minds and made us believe that anything is possible. Thank you for every laugh, every learning and every moment of your genius. Whilst we can’t imagine a world without you, we promise to take care of each other and will work hard to continue your vision. May you finally be at peace. Love, (forever) your DECIEM ❤” It sounds like a love letter that a middle school girl wrote her crush.

Psychological Acne

I have not understood how to quantify my experience with acne. I overcame it in such a weird way I have not really understood it until recently. I tried every single product on the market. There was not a product too far or high for me to acquire. I didn’t care what it cost I just wanted to be able to understand and control my breakouts. They started out of nowhere and they continued for years whilst being connected to nothing in particular. It was almost 100% cystic. I experimented with different dieting techniques, products, health professionals, psychics, lights, chemical peels, you name it- I’ve tried it. Everything seemed to work a little bit, but not entirely.

The way I came to understand that my acne was psychological was when I saw a shaman. The shaman released a great deal of fear that I held onto that was provoking my emotions. Once I overcame that fear, I was never the same. I could never go back to thinking the fear was real, when it wasn’t. That fear was the direct catalyst for my cystic breakouts. I have most certainly had breakouts since then but I can tell you exactly where they came from. Its always either stress, low vibration, sugar, caffeine, cheese; usually a combination. When I say fear, I mean a nonsensical fear. I mean like neurosis. The best way I can put it is, take a step back and look at how you view your acne? If you get a gut wrenching sensation when you feel a cystic breakout coming on, then you are experiencing psychological acne.

January Moon Magic

Why was today the most dramatic day? It truly was awful. Not sure if I was on a tailspin from my boss. Damn I cannot let her effect me. I have to start saying I love my boss I love my boss I love my boss. I think that’s the problem. Because if I say ‘I love my job’, thats not exactly the problem because I do kind of love my job, my actual job is not the issue, it’s my relationship with my boss.

Today was like a strong pulling between what I want, need, and “should” do. Yes the should is in quotes because it is all in my head I believe. I needed something so I was trying to solve it with buying things I want, but I really didn’t come across anything that I wanted to buy that made me feel better. So thats when I knew it was outside of myself. It’s a more emotional need of some sort. So then I tried to solve that with food. But then like I have been eating crappy all week so I kept trying to find healthy versions of crappy things and none of them were satisfying because it wasn’t what I really wanted. I knew that I didn’t even really want to eat junk food because nothing sounded good but I guess thats just like my go to, shopping and eating. Who knew.

So what would an alternative be? I could channel it into writing. Try to express how I feel. I could have gone to the gym. Could have gone for a drive. Bla bla bla coulda woulda. A drive is the most likely of all of those but I was trying to work. And then just got tired and took a muscle relaxer which was the best idea I had all day. Except then I woke up and went to two different Sephora’s and bough a random sheet mask I didn’t even care about. Okay trust the process, Jen! These are the moments. The moments where everything seems really pointless and wasteful, can it still be a quality part of life? Could it still be the path? Am I learning something or is my perception robbing me of enjoying it?

Today was partially set off by my boss (which is where this story started) and then the astrological circumstances. The full moon this Sunday, Jan. 19 is called a Blood Moon or a Wolf Moon. It’s also a lunar eclipse. It’s the last lunar eclipse for a while I believe. I don’t care if it sounds like BS. I’m telling you right now, my body reacts to these events. That is the real reason what happened.

Negative Spiral Turned Positive

Whew tonight in yoga was horrible. Horribly amazing in a way. It was one of those classes where I could not fucking catch my balance. No matter how well I was breathing, no matter how much I focused. I kept falling out of every balancing pose. Balancing poses are my strength. Super super super frustrating. I started crying actually during class. It just came to a boiling point for me. Dealing with my work shit, home shit, and then yoga I couldn’t even catch a break. Like fuck man can I please get a break? My living situation is a joke, my job is a joke, and those two things basically consume my life. I’m good at staying distracted and this is probably why I feel the need to drink or smoke weed every single night. My therapist put it this way, she said my current life situation is analogous to going to a gym to get into shape. Except this is moreso a financial gym. I had to move into this tiny ass house with two roommates. I came from a 2 bedroom penthouse apartment. All of my shit is in storage, in the attic, or shoved in some random crevice in my room. When I think of something I need, I don’t know where it is, and I have to go buy it even though I know I already have it. Sometimes I’ll have a rough idea of where the thing is and I’ll go climbing through the attic (not my scene). My room is so small I can’t even make my bed. Inefficiency and wastefulness are huge fucking triggers for me. So is disorganization and claustrophobia. Basically this living situation hits all of my triggers. I hang out in my room when I’m home because it’s awkward hanging out downstairs, everyone hangs out in their own rooms. It’s just a gloomy situation. My roommates are nice and my house is updated. Location is dreadful. But my rent is pretty cheap and I’ve nearly paid off all of my credit card bills.

So that is my house. My job is equally as dreadful. On the surface I have everything I want and need. But my boss treats me disrespectfully, is manipulative, triangulates me and the other employees against one another, starts drama, tries to make others jealous of one another, tries to start shit, talks shit behind peoples backs, totally unprofessional. We’ll be in a meeting with several departments and shell say something to me like; ‘hey someone internally complained you were not responsive during business hours when you were working remote’. Something that is completely untrue and doesn’t even make sense. In my role I don’t have anyone to be responsive to. Also, define responsive? I don’t respond to dumb emails or questions of people wasting my time. Which doesn’t mean I’m not working. Basically she’ll bring up issues that make no sense and cannot be solved or substantiated in front of people. Like if it was a problem why didn’t you bring it up to me personally? She also tells me to dress down so I don’t intimidate people. Which I would never heed that advice she hired me because I was hot. She’s a fucking psycho and a bully. But at the same time, I do whatever I want, I work remote, make my own hours, its a chill environment, get paid well. On the surface I should be happy but inside I’m dying. She completely killed my interest and enthusiasm after week 2 when she yelled at me for catching on too quickly and being too productive. This was after I was left to the wolves, no training, no team, no boss on site, no NOTHING. No one knew how to recruit so no one had anything to show me. Everyone ignored me. I had to figure the shit out on my own, develop the process, it was fucking terrifying and I was killing it. Killing it. Like killed it. And she told me she doesn’t trust people and I was moving too fast and she ‘can’t believe I’m already screening people’ like BITCH I’m the Recruiter Director. What do you think I’m going to do?

Anyways, so tonight in yoga I was just like BITCH why is this so hard?? I can’t even enjoy yoga right now. Man I jut realized though like God is prepping me for what I will be receiving. Because my life is so awful right now I know for a fact that I’m going to get what I want. Its a dead giveaway sis. I’ll take in the ass for the next 5 years if you just guarantee me that you will make my business successful, give me a sexy husband who’s smart and funny, and like 5 kids and a billion dollars. Thats where I’m headed, this is the prep. I get it. I got it tonight. If I had an option between go through hell to get what I want, or sit in place and stay safe while knowing in my gut I was meant to do more but didn’t have the balls to take the punches, I’d rather go through hell every. single. time. No questions. Blood sweat and tears baby. I think that’s why that is even a saying. And I literally have gone through so much hell it’s basically masochistic at this point. I’m not going to quit my job right now I’m going to endure it. I will breathe through it. God wants me to learn something. What do you want me to learn, God? Persistence, self control, love, and what else? Stamina, courage, unselfishness. I just channeled all that but part of me feels like he’s beating around the bush here. There’s something more substantial isn’t there? There must be. What did I learn from my last job? Grit. Brainwashing myself into liking something, breathing through the tough times. At least I’m not broke I don’t think I’ll ever go back to that spot. I’m following my joy bitch. Regardless if this is hell its still the direction of my joy. Thats the catch. Usually people distinguish being comfortable and safe with being joyful. That is not it for me.