The Airport

So the reason I was going through that situation in my head about Bali was because I want to go, but, the place where I was motivated from was wrong. I was motivated by emotion. I need to buy it in “God’s time”, or the universe’s time, whichever you choose. So I’m waiting. Thats fine with me, I still believe I’m going. I’m going to start planning my trip. I found my hotel. I’m super excited. Also, there is no reason to believe that I will be able to quit my job by then so for now I’m planning on just going for two weeks. Also, I want to go alone. I have a couple friends that have suggested we go together but honestly I need it for a cleansing trip for myself. I need to see the world without restraints right now. Sometimes I like having people around, but sometimes I don’t.

Because I traveled most of my 20’s for work, I was almost always alone. I became really good friends with the airport. I love airports. I feel so safe and inspired. Mainly because I am going to get where I’m going without any responsibility put on me. Other than having to show up on time, I really don’t have any control getting to where I’m going to wind up. It’s like this interesting, sexy, place, void of responsibility, rich with inspiration and culture. I miss that feeling. Like entering a time warp. Completely alone, but everyone else is alone, you are all alone together. It’s such a nice dynamic. You feel no obligation to speak with one another but you have the comfort of knowing you are all there together. And none of you really have control. And all of you think about the possibilities, both good and bad, of what will come. Everything is unknown. You are entering completely uncharted territory. No matter what day you head to the airport, it’s never the same. You know you will never return home the same. So many people, some who are professional travelers, and some, not so much.

International terminals. The Skyclub. I don’t know if there is a more seductive place than the Skyclub. It’s mostly men, but I like that personally. I like filling up a to-go cup of white wine, or a bailey’s and coffee, and walk around the airport aimlessly. And drinking. Drinking is an integral part of flying. Drinking is so integral for a couple reasons. The mood is light and airy. You feel daring, you feel powerful, you feel sexy, and you are also 1% terrified that you are going to die in a plane crash. You also do not have to drive most likely. I drank a bottle of wine and took a zanax on the way home from Madrid which was only like a 6 hour flight. I have no idea how I navigated my layover. The turbulance in the South Pacific caused me to take an Ambien on the way home from Singapore, my first experience fully awake on Ambien. If you have ever experienced that, you’ll understand why that’s traumatizing.

The experiences you have at airports are often equally as interesting as the destination itself. I’ve had 14 hour layovers in Amsterdam, enough time to go to the city center for breakfast, lunch, drinks, shopping, and a blunt. Airports that are completely open air, like in Palm Desert. Or Traverse City, where the airport is a log cabin. And some airports you refuse to fly out of, JFK or ORD. Some terminals you hate, like the Delta terminal at LAX. Some airport’s that are on your bucket list, like Charles de Gaulle (did it, the croissant’s were amazing), and Heathrow. Ben Gurion, where machine guns and racial profiling are both mandatory. Where ticketing agents open your bag, take everything out, and you replace it, standard protocol. The Atlanta Delta terminal, so overwhelming. Delta’s worldwide hub. Of course this particular night I decided to take a weed gummy bear (like when they first came out so obviously, I overdosed). And there are probably 50 security lines, and you can see them all because they are centralized, and separated by plexiglass, and there are just thousands of people, and the lighting is horrible, it’s like, yellow. This particular night was one of the largest thunderstorms. Another time coming home from ATL, I lost my passport and my iPod in one trip. That was a symbolic I was dating the wrong guy, I found out. I’ve lost every pair of sunglasses I’ve ever loved on a plane. During my hippy years, I was paranoid about the radiation in the x-ray machines at TSA so I would make them give me a pat down instead. Or the years and years I flew with weed before it was legal. Airports are always a fantastic time. Even when they are horrible. Idk. They feel like freedom to me.

Bali Neurosis

What if I did buy that ticket to Bali today? Or tomorrow? I’m using the idea that I cant buy it yet (making up reasons in my head as to why) as a reason to suffer. But then I remembered my travel savings. I did create that account strictly for travel. I could technically buy it and have not much financial guilt. The problem is, I intend for it to be a one way ticket. Here’s the thing though, I can always buy a return ticket at a later date. Or what if I bought a round trip ticket and then just changed the date when I knew it. Lets say, hypothetically, I cannot quit my job by then. Then I can buy a return ticket for 2 weeks. I don’t know why I’m stuck on this. Its been a few days and my thought has been consistent. I think I’m going in May but why am I so afraid to commit? It’s not that, it’s something else. Maybe I don’t want it to feel contrived. This happened when I went to Israel. If I bought it, what is the worst thing that could happen? I could wind up not wanting to go. I could waste money. I couldn’t find someone to watch my dog. Or I could feel obligated to go and then have a horrible time like I did last time I traveled. I could change my mind. I could have something come up that I absolutely cannot miss. I am afraid I’m buying it to escape. You’re never supposed to run away from something, you’re supposed to run towards something. It’s definitely an escape for me. However, I don’t believe the energy is running away from here. The motion is definitely a pulling motion. And this is just my way to negotiate with myself to work hard and focus right now. To give me some motivation. Something to look forward to. A light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it’s very little marvel, and very much work in my life.

I’ve been called to Bali for years and I’ve never been. But I’ve had a similar experience of being called to a spiritual destination. In 2014 I was living in Los Angeles. I was being called to Ojai, this city about 2 hours north of LA. I heard about it from the LA natives. The entire time I lived in LA, I was working to death. I worked so much. I said yes to every single job. And eventually, I was just thinking to myself, why am I doing this? To pay my rent? I’m picking up random jobs that I don’t give a fuck about in order to make money to pay my bills. That seems like a rat race to me. No end goal. And I was modeling so really for me that was not my end goal. My goal of living there was simply to exist in California for a while and soak up the life lessons that needed to be realized. By this time, I had been there almost 2 years. Long story short, I had to negotiate with myself to take jobs that I didn’t want to because I was burnt out. And I told myself, if I took the jobs I didn’t want to, and killed myself at work, then I would go to Ojai one weekend, and I planned it. And I was so excited doing those jobs the last couple days because I knew what the reward was. I finished my last job at Forever 21 HQ on a Friday, and drove to Ojai, by myself. I stayed in an Airbnb, the image is from the cafe across from my Airbnb. There was this woman riding a horse. Enough said! It was insane. It was to-date one of the most intense spiritual experiences I’ve had.

So, I’m getting similar vibes with this Bali situation. I don’t want to place too much emphasis or hold my expectations too high. Why does ego ruin everything? I do have goals for what I’m currently doing but I need to speed it up because I know I can. It’s an aggressive deadline. It’s scary. It’s basically saying I will be able to support myself with my own business by then. But like I said, I could always stay at my job and just take a vacay. I just don’t want it to be that way. Maybe I’m afraid of failing. Devils advocate, what if I waited to buy the ticket? The price may go up. The flight may be sold out. I may chicken out. Do the pros outweigh the cons? I’m going to ask my pendulum: my pendulum said yes, to buy the ticket. I’m going to wait. This is what it feels like to be neurotic.

Be Where You Are

I met with my coach tonight and I love how she just gets to the bottom of things. We uncovered the fact that in order to get to where I need to be, I need to fall in love with where I’m at. I don’t know why I have such resistance to liking my job and my current circumstances, but that’s about to change. I’ve been through this. Last year, in order to find a new job (this job), I had to brainwash myself into being happy at my old job. I used to force myself to verbally say out loud “I love my job, I love my life” like 5 million times. Call me psycho, but it worked. I got way more into my job and started finding things that I appreciated about it. I started closing more deals and was really confident in my role. And the moment that happened, the resistance completely loosened around getting a new job, and all of the opportunities in the “vortex” came pouring in. When I say immediately, I mean within like 2 days. That feeling of losing resistance towards something feels like you almost don’t want what you wanted anymore. You want what you have. It felt like, damn I don’t really want to leave my job right now. I’m really into it and I am enjoying all of these aspects of it. Thats what it feels like to lose resistance. So until I feel that feeling about my current job, I won’t be able to get what I want. And what I want is to be able to quit my day job and entirely support myself through my consulting business. I want to do this for a couple reasons, better ROI and more freedom mainly. I need to travel a little bit. Also I’m destined to be self employed I already knew that even getting into corporate in the first place.

I have taken a break from traveling and I need to get back into it, my soul is like, needing to expand. I traveled for basically all of my twenties, but I have not taken an international excursion (where I spend months at a time) in almost a decade. It’s time. For sure. I want to travel and work abroad, or nationally, wherever I want, for as long as I want. I don’t want to wander, fuck no I’m over that ”finding myself’ shit. I want to expand my professional and creative life. I’m very in line with my passions suddenly and I’m channeling them in proper outlets, and I know travel is a huge component to fully realizing these outlets. I will work every day but I will work in different settings which will make me a stronger professional and also more happy and likely to attract business.

Anyways that was kind of a tangent, getting back to the point…tricking myself into being obsessed and thriving where I’m at. Earlier today it did dawn on me that I’m currently playing the role of a single girl living a semi normal life. I have never lived a normal adult life. I was craving normal and stability. I am working in a corporate job and making a little less than 6 figures a year. Driving a Buick. Living in the most random suburb of Detroit. I have roommates for the first time in years. I am getting paid a salary so I have no control over my income (I’m used to working on commission). Super normal. But it’s not going to be like this forever. Eventually I’m going to be playing a different role. The one I see in my vision. Why not enjoy the aspects of this role? I used to see this vision too minus roommates I think. There are definitely perks. The more you tap out of reality and day dream about your future, the more miserable you will become, leading you farther from what you want.


Poverty Consciousness

I remember last year at this time when everything was going wrong and I hit rock ass bottom. I had zero dollars, got pregnant by a douche bag, hated my job, working on commission, couldn’t make a sale because I was desperate and the job was so hard, couldn’t pay my bills, had $30k in debt that was exponentially growing, and I felt like I was drowning. Like I had fallen so far from where I was previously. There was a moment where I was terrified, walking the hallways at my office, wondering how I got here. Cursing every step I had taken up until this point that put me in this position. Berating myself for begin so careless, stupid, naive, you name it. There was nothing in my gut that said I was going the wrong way though. I remember feeling this distinct feeling that I was on the right path.

Then within that same moment, I realized I had to make a choice to ignore my external circumstances. I had to dissociate from my reality. I decided to ignore my bank account and assert that there would be a change. I made up my mind that it wasn’t going to get worse for me. That the money was in my account even though I couldn’t see it at that moment. That sounds so cliche but when you are that broken you start to think crazy shit. And that mentality switch was a turning point for me. Within a month of that I got a huge client and closed a significant deal which then turned into several more large deals throughout the course of the year. Not like it was all flowers and butterflies after that I still had a colossal hole to dig myself out of. But that marked the end of my victim hood for that specific period of my life.

This came to the forefront of my mind because now, today, I am nearly debt free and have a decent savings, I have a new job that is amazing with a high base salary. But now there are other things that are bothering me. I’m not living my best life that is clear as fuck. And last week it came to a head, and similar to last year, I made a decision that my self inflicted suffering was over. That my life was non negotiable. That what I wanted was a priority. That I am good enough to achieve the things I want. That I can achieve what I want to. What I want is attainable to me. I cannot take no for an answer. And everyday since then I’ve noticed, its a notable challenge for me to actually remind myself of this realization. My thought patterns and emotional patterns are trained into a vibration of “it’s not possible” “the likelihood is low” “I can’t”. But now, my brain is also trained to correct the thought automatically. And not just consciously, its subconscious. I know that because I can feel it. Every time my brain autocorrects my thought pattern, I have to consciously push the thought until it pops through to my subconscious mind. The way I pushed it into my subconscious mind is, upon making the decision to shift my mentality, I focused and focused and focused on the reality that “I can do it” until I felt it click actually in my body. Its a physical feeling of it “clicking” into place. I focused, and reasoned, and analyzed, and negotiated, until I had that distinct feeling in my gut that I knew it was possible. Now that I’ve built that metaphysical pathway, now I can achieve it quicker (mind, muscle, memory). And I’ve noticed things beginning to shift. Its like pushing a boulder uphill sis its not easy. But its become so obvious that I was living with a poverty consciousness.

My Thoughts on Vibration

I fucking hate when people refer to “raising your vibration” in order to get what you want. You can’t control your vibration because everything is cyclical. Its an unrealistic expectation. Sometimes you’re just not in a “high” vibration, and people who have everything they want are not in a blissed out, medicated, high vibration either. We’re human. Its inevitable. We know what were “supposed” to do but the reality is everything doesn’t go as its supposed to. And then we feel lack of self confidence because were always measuring ourself based on what were supposed to do. It’s counterproductive.

You can tune into the essence that you are able to achieve anything you want. You can tune in to source energy, or God, or be in the “vortex”. And it still won’t necessarily change your external circumstances. You can raise your vibe simply by lowering your fear of not having a high vibration. That is why its annoying to me. We are not bots, feeling low is inevitable. Instead of resisting it, go with it. You can be on a high vibe even if you are feeling low vibe. Go with the flow.

When you’re on the same vibration as something you don’t feel anything. It feels just like the next best step, as if it makes perfect sense like you deserve it (how much it takes before you feel you deserve it is for another blog post). It’s not like you feel elated. We should revise the message of “raising your vibration” to say “decrease your fear”. Thats what it really means. It means turn down the noise, chill out, say “thank you” out loud, no matter what. If you can develop those consistent habits then you’re better off than trying to learn how to “increase your vibration”, which is a surface level suggestion. That is putting band aid on a broken arm.

I Hate Patience

I hate patience. Patience is the root of all evil. 

Patience is the only reason why people fail. 

Patience makes me want to suck 10 fat cocks over being patient.

I would rather be subjected to almost anything than enduring patience.

I resent patience so much I am paralyzed by the hatred I have for it. 

I hate its essence, I hate the notion behind it, I hate the way people say it and use it so frivolously.

I hate that it’s the answer to everything.

I hate that I have to wait for what I want. 

I hate that I know what I want so clearly that I must be patient because I would rather eat shit than not get what I want. 

So I would rather eat shit and take it in the ass than take something less than what I want. 

But that is what patience is. 

Patience is taking it in the ass. 

I have never experienced a pain more excruciating than taking it in the ass and sitting in a situation that I’m miserable in order to wait for what I want. 

And if patience was only required once in a while that would be fine. But to the contrary, I feel like I spend the majority of my life being fucking patient. 

Like give me what I want, I don’t understand why I can’t just have it now. 

If it’s not ready for me, figure out another way. 

You’re the boss, and it’s just like any deadline, it’s your responsibility to meet it.

I’m giving you a deadline of now. 

It doesn’t matter who you blame, you are in charge. 

You can blame timing, or circumstances, or whatnot, but the reality is that you are in control. So what the fuck are you waiting for? 

You are blaming all these other factors saying, “what you want is not ready for you” or “you are not ready for what you want”.

But I’m telling you right now, that I’m suffocating. Slowly dying.

How can you tell me to keep suffocating until you are ready to give me what I want? 

How fucking twisted are you? 

So now I have to trick myself into liking what I have again so that the time can pass, and once again at the end of the day, I will be so happy I waited.

But at what point am I going to just enjoy my life without enduring the pain of waiting for something else every few months? 

It’s like I suffer for the majority of the time and then I get reprieve for 2 months, then I go back into suffering for another year, then I get to come up for air for a couple months.

What kind of life do you think you are, life?